You are currently viewing our boards as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free, so please, join our community today!
Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 4:29 am Posts: 81 Location: Yorkshire, UK
Hello,
We have received an entry for the Writer's Block section (below) and, as English is not their first language, the author requires a little help. Please offer some constructive criticism where possible and remember to explain why something needs changing.
Many thanks
Wolf and Tina had enough of strugling to keep the Castle that have inherited going, by letting rooms to writers painters and variouw other artists. They were getting old, both their children have died, their son 10 years ago on a motorbike accident, their daughter to cancer.They made a pack...one night when the last guest departed, they hugged in front of the open lroom fire whilst the gas fumes gave an end to their most sad lives... A nurse that was coming regularly to check on Wolf"s heart weakness found a note, it read. Nothing can replace the children.... They waited long enough for us.... We are joining them soon for a reunion surprise party.... Forgeive us for wanting to be together...xxx
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2007 11:46 am Posts: 29 Location: Huddersfield, West Yorkshire (and Moscow, Russia)
I quickly found myself passing over the language barrier in the story and becoming captured by the story that unfolded. It was sad but it was a satisfying ending.
I have made a few revisions to the punctuation and suggested other changes.
Wolf and Tina had enough of strugling to keep the Castle that have inherited going, (A split infinitive here. ......to keep the castle going... I would then have another short sentence about the inherited nature of the castle, either before or after. Spelling - 'strug(g)ling')
by letting rooms to writers painters and variou(s) other artists. They were getting old. Both their children had died: their son 10 years ago on a motorbike accident, their daughter to cancer.They made a pact...one night when the last guest departed, they hugged in front of the open room fire whilst the gas fumes gave (I suggest 'brought')an end to their most sad lives... A nurse that was coming regularly to check on Wolf"s heart weakness found a note. It read: Nothing can replace the children.... They waited long enough for us.... We are joining them soon for a reunion surprise party.... Forgive us for wanting to be together...xxx
Grayling
_________________ A bad day's fishing beats a good day's writing
Joined: Sun Sep 30, 2007 9:00 am Posts: 13 Location: St Tropez
Hello,
This is one way of doing it... but it's only my opinion.
Wolf and Tina [struggled] to keep the Castle [they] inherited going, by letting rooms to writers painters and variou[s] other artists. They were getting old [and] both [of] their children ha[d] died[;] their son, 10 years ago [in] a motorbike accident[;] their daughter to cancer. They made a [pact] [and] one night[,] when the last guest departed, they hugged in front of the open room fire [and] the gas fumes gave an end to their sad lives. A nurse that [came] regularly to check on Wolf"s heart weakness found a note, it read[:] "Nothing can replace the children.... They waited long enough for us.... We are joining them soon for a reunion surprise party.... Forgive us for wanting to be together...xxx"
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot post attachments in this forum