Struggling Authors

I feel this sentence would read better if it had at least one comma. I think the reader needs to pause (for breath?), but where?

Or should I rephrase the whole thing?

An opportunity had been missed earlier in the day when the hunters had disturbed the three birds on the river whilst they were still well out of range of the guns.

Hi,

This sounds right in my head but I'm not sure I'm obeying the 'semi-colon rule' (both halves of the sentence could stand on their own)

"An opportunity had been missed earlier in the day; the hunters had disturbed the three birds on the river whilst they were still well out of range of the guns".

or

They missed an opportunity earlier in the day by firing at three birds on the river whilst they were still well out of range.

Or... go fishing?

RG

Thanks Richard.

The semi-colon is the answer.
I actually prefer the final suggestion but that doesn't bring home the bacon!

Graham

Punctuation is my downfall I'm afraid.

The first draft of my book was poxed with so many semi-colons that, on re-reading it, I wondered if my wife had slipped something into my Ovaltine everytime I sat in front of the keyboard.

Another problem I have is that when I'm 'on a run' I translate German grammar or phrases into English. (An example for clarification, instead of, "What kind of #### is that?", I would write, "What is that for a ####?")

I really must have a look at the Open University Courses but at the moment they're simply too expensive. How can I justify 200 of your English Poundies, (as Blackadder put it) for a course when my Patio needs new flooring?
Ah, the trials of the Struggling Author...

Ah, you could justify 145 earth quids for the first course though (A714 - http://strugglingauthors.co.uk/writingcourses.aspx) and stop drinking for 10 weeks... but, I think you should really be concentrating on the sequels to your book as I didn't spot anything too hideous in what you showed us previously!!!!

The sequel... how inspirationally optimistic you are Rich.

Actually I've got a plot down for part 2, (working name of 'Gulag') and only yesterday evening did an idea hit me for part 3 !!!
Confidence is never in short supply for the career dreamer.